Card etiquette

Etiquette books used to be rigid about cards. Modern card-sending is more relaxed, but a few principles still hold — and following them quietly signals care. Here is what we’d send a friend who asked.

When to send

For dated occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays), aim for the card to arrive on or just before the day. A few days early is far better than a few days late. For undated occasions (sympathy, get-well, congratulations), send within a week of the news, then send again in a month if the occasion calls for it — sympathy cards in particular land harder when they arrive after the first wave has passed and the recipient is alone with the loss.

Hand-write everything you reasonably can

Print the verse if you must — that’s what CardVerse is for — but write the personal line, the signature, and the envelope by hand. Handwriting is the part of a card a recipient feels most. A printed card with a printed envelope and a typed signature reads as marketing; a printed card with a hand-written envelope and signature reads as a gift.

Addressing envelopes

Use the recipient’s preferred name on the envelope. If you’re writing to a couple, use both names — full first names, no honorifics unless the recipients use them themselves. For formal occasions (weddings, formal anniversaries, condolences to people you don’t know well), revert to courtesy titles (Mr., Ms., Mx., Dr.) and last names.

What to write under the verse

One sentence, specific to the recipient. Concrete is better than general. “I’ve been thinking about your tomato sauce all week” is better than “You’re a great cook.” “Your handwriting on the seating chart at Maya’s wedding made me cry” is better than “You’re thoughtful.” Concrete details land because they prove you were paying attention.

Signing

Sign with the name the recipient calls you. “Love, Tom” from a close friend is right; “Sincerely, Thomas R. Patterson” from the same friend reads as a parody. For business cards (boss, coworker, vendor), use your usual professional signature.

Sympathy cards

The hardest cards to send and the most important ones to send. A few rules of thumb: don’t explain the loss, don’t suggest it has a purpose, don’t ask the bereaved to feel anything in particular, and don’t describe your own grief at length. Just say you’re thinking of them, name the person who died if you knew them, and offer one specific concrete thing you’ll do (drop off dinner Tuesday, pick up the kids Friday). General offers (“let me know if you need anything”) are kind but they put the cognitive load back on the bereaved — they have to think of what to ask for. Specific offers are easier to accept.

Get-well cards

Match the energy. A serious illness gets a quieter, longer card; a flu gets a lighter one. Avoid “I know exactly how you feel” even if you do — it tends to land as competition rather than empathy.

Thank-you cards

The single most under-sent card and the easiest to write. Send within two weeks of the kindness. Mention the specific thing they did and the specific way it helped. “Thank you for the lasagna on Tuesday — it was the only meal I ate that day” is exactly right.

Anniversaries and birthdays

If you’re late, send anyway — a belated card is far better than no card. Acknowledge the lateness lightly (“Late, but no less heartfelt”) and move on. Most people prefer a late card to no card.

Difficult relationships

For occasions that mark a difficult relationship (a strained sibling’s birthday, a former friend’s anniversary), send only if you can write the personal line honestly. A printed verse with no personal line reads as duty rather than affection. If you can’t write something true, it’s sometimes kinder to send nothing than to send something hollow.